I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
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good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?
Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.