how to screw with your cat’s head 101
You Might Also Like
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.