Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
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“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Bout to have the best sleep of my life