I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
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listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
yeah no that’s fair
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Oh hi lol
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know