My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
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Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Sniffing the broccoli
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini