Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
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Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.