Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
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[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”