[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
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My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy