Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
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I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Snapes on a plane.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship