See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
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What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Establish dominance on rival dads by rubbing sunscreen on your kids, right when they’re getting yelled at for not bringing sunscreen
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean