Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
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I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Animal Control just came into this Dairy Queen looking for a raccoon. I said nothing, and passed another chicken tender to the guy in a mask under my table.
In case you needed to hear it:
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.