“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
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I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.