*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
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We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.