The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
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dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.