Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
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The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price