Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
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dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
This meal prepping shit easy
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Q: “How long were you at your last job?”
A: “Seven-and-a-half inches… same as now”
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.