One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
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cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.