When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
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Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
This is why I hate group projects
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
“Right, whose round is it?”
Translation: It is not my round and I know whose round it is.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?