[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
You Might Also Like
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Vodka burrito was a success
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.