My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
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[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Spell check is for lasers.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Is your wife single?
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while