Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
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Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
5: mummy I want a sandwich
Me: you forgot to say the magic word
5: cheese
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad