[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
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the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
😲 WTF? 😆
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?