#milo
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“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
If you love someone, let them tweet.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro
cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out