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Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
yeah not falling for this one
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
i made a craigslist ad !
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?