Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
You Might Also Like
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
oh shit
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Doctor: Any cancer in the family?
Me: My mom is a Sagittarius, but I’ll have to check on everyone else.
Doc: …