me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
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Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
scoring in hockey: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in baseball: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
scoring in basketball: 2, 4, 6, 8, 10
scoring in tennis: love, 15, 30, 40, turkey sandwich, spider, 57, keanu reeves
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”