[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
You Might Also Like
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them