Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
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4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …