Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
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I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment