Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
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Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate