i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
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Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…