Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
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President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
I’m not antisocial. I’m anti-idiot.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.