burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
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I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
The game has officially changed 😎
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs