The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
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Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.