“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
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My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
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