Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
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Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
Mmmm canned fish.
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos