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[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again