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*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again