i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
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Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
Me too door. Me too.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.