Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…
Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!
Boss:
Me:
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Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that