Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
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(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*offers Batman cough drops*
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Dont be worried about your smartphone and TV spying on you.
Your vacuum has been gathering dirt on you for years!
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
[babysitting]
Ok well sorry I threw all your kid’s toys into the ocean but maybe next time be more clear if you suggest we have a tea party
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?