Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
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Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Succinctly put.
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter