You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
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Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Lmbo
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
#Caturday
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
This will never not be funny to me.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain