CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
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I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.