oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
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My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.