Whoa… oh I see lol
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someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.