Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
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they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Become ungovernable.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.