I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
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I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.
Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.
Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out