In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
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I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
i’m still crying at this
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…