Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
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It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
“I asked you to find me some books about birding.”
“Yes, are these titles not helpful?”
“No! These books are all about going out and looking at birds. I don’t want to do that!”
“I’m now equal parts eager and apprehensive to find out what the word ‘birding’ means to you.”
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.